When You Forget How to Relax
The Quiet Cost of Always Being "On"
Reflections
Yesterday, I was asked a simple question:
"How do you relax?"
At first, it seemed like an easy question.
But then someone shared a different experience.
He had recently been asked the same thing and realized he didn't have an answer.
Not because he didn't want to relax.
Not because he didn't believe in rest.
But because he genuinely couldn't identify what relaxation looked like anymore.
He was a father of two young children.
A Division Chief overseeing an entire shift of firefighters, officers, and paramedics.
At home, he was always in dad mode.
At work, he was always in chief mode.
Someone always needed something.
Someone always had a question.
Someone always depended on him.
And after years of carrying those responsibilities, he realized something unsettling:
He no longer knew how to turn it off.
The Identity Trap
Many responders eventually fall into this trap.
Not because they are weak.
But because they become exceptionally good at carrying responsibility.
Over time, the role becomes the identity.
You stop being a firefighter.
You become the firefighter.
You stop being a chief.
You become the chief.
You stop being a parent.
You become the parent.
The switch never flips.
The uniform comes off.
The responsibility stays on.
Your mind remains scanning, planning, solving, and anticipating.
Even when nobody is asking you to.
When Leadership Never Ends
The higher someone moves into leadership, the harder this can become.
A Division Chief may oversee an entire shift.
Dozens of personnel.
Multiple stations.
Operational readiness.
Staffing shortages.
Personnel issues.
Major incidents.
Department culture.
Even when off duty, many leaders continue carrying those responsibilities mentally.
A staffing issue tomorrow.
A difficult conversation next week.
A firefighter who is struggling.
An upcoming promotional process.
The mind continues working long after the shift ends.
Eventually, being "on" becomes the default setting.
And that is where many leaders lose touch with what relaxation feels like.
High-Functioning Hypervigilance
Many people think relaxation means sitting still.
For some responders, sitting still is the hardest thing they can do.
The mind keeps moving.
Reviewing conversations.
Running scenarios.
Planning solutions.
Anticipating problems.
The body may be home.
The mind is still at work.
After enough years, this level of vigilance feels normal.
Until someone asks:
"What do you do to relax?"
And there is no immediate answer.
Sometimes Relaxation Looks Like Stimming
An interesting part of this conversation involved the idea that relaxation doesn't always look the same for everyone.
For some people—especially introverted, highly reflective, or neurodivergent individuals—relaxation may involve forms of self-regulation that they have never recognized as such.
One example is music.
Not listening for entertainment.
Listening because it helps quiet the noise.
A familiar playlist playing softly in the background.
The same songs repeated.
A rhythm that occupies part of the mind so the rest of it can finally slow down.
For some individuals, this can function as a form of stimming—a repetitive sensory experience that helps regulate attention, reduce mental clutter, and create a sense of calm.
Many people do it without realizing it.
Music during a drive.
Music while working in the garage.
Music while exercising.
Music while sitting alone on the patio after everyone has gone to bed.
It isn't always about the music itself.
Sometimes it's about giving an overactive mind something predictable to hold onto.
What Relaxation Actually Looks Like
Relaxation is not always doing nothing.
For many reflective people, relaxation is simply finding activities that temporarily remove responsibility from the equation.
It might be:
Walking without a destination.
Reading a book unrelated to work.
Fishing.
Working in the garage.
Exercising.
Listening to music.
Taking a quiet drive.
Sitting outside with a cup of coffee.
Writing.
The activity itself often matters less than the outcome.
For a short period of time, nobody needs anything from you.
You are not solving.
You are not leading.
You are not supervising.
You are simply existing.
The Leader's Dilemma
Leadership creates a unique challenge.
People often see authority.
What they don't see is responsibility.
The invisible weight leaders carry home.
The decisions.
The staffing concerns.
The personnel issues.
The things left unsaid.
The conversations waiting for tomorrow.
Many leaders become so accustomed to carrying everyone else that they forget how to carry themselves.
And when they finally have free time, they don't know what to do with it.
The mind automatically returns to work.
Reflective Pause
If someone asked you today:
"What do you do to relax?"
Would you have an answer?
Or would you realize you've spent so much time being a responder, parent, officer, chief, instructor, or mentor that you've forgotten what you enjoy when nobody needs anything from you?
What activity helps your mind become quieter?
What allows you to stop carrying responsibility, even for a few moments?
Learning to Be Off Duty
Perhaps one of the most overlooked skills in Fire and EMS is learning how to be off duty.
Not physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Learning that your value does not disappear when you stop producing.
Learning that recovery is part of performance.
Learning that rest is not something earned after exhaustion.
It is something required before exhaustion arrives.
Because even the strongest leaders eventually run out of energy if they never leave the role.
The goal is not to escape responsibility.
The goal is to occasionally step away from it long enough to remember who you are without it.
And sometimes that begins with a surprisingly difficult question:
"How do you relax?"
Closing Thought
Some responders struggle to relax because they have spent years becoming exceptionally good at staying alert. Sometimes the first step toward recovery is recognizing that being off duty is a skill—and skills can be relearned.
Think Deeply. Respond Quietly.
