What Not to Say
A Leader’s Guide to Burnout and Depression in Neurodivergent People
Most leaders don’t break people with cruelty.
They break them with well-intended language spoken at the wrong moment.
Burnout and depression—especially in neurodivergent people—are not solved by motivation, comparison, or pressure disguised as encouragement.
Words matter.
Not because people are fragile—but because they’re already carrying more than they show.
First, a grounding truth for leaders
If someone trusted you enough to show signs of burnout or depression, they are already at capacity.
This is not the moment to:
Correct attitude
Increase pressure
Test resilience
Measure toughness
It is the moment to stop adding weight.
What NOT to say (and why it causes damage)
1. “Everyone’s burned out.”
Why it hurts:
It erases their experience and implies they’re failing a shared test of endurance.
Burnout is not a competition.
And depression isn’t solved by normalization.
2. “You just need a day off.”
Why it hurts:
Burnout sometimes needs rest.
Depression usually needs relief, safety, and meaning.
When time off doesn’t help, people assume they’re the problem—and stop speaking up.
3. “You’re strong—you’ll push through.”
Why it hurts:
Neurodivergent people already push through.
Strength language, at the wrong time, reinforces self-betrayal and delays help-seeking.
4. “You don’t seem depressed.”
Why it hurts:
Many neurodivergent people mask so well they disappear behind competence.
Depression isn’t always visible.
Especially in high performers.
5. “We all have stuff going on.”
Why it hurts:
It shifts the focus from support to comparison.
This tells the person:
Your pain is inconvenient.
That’s usually the last time they speak honestly.
6. “You need to toughen up.”
Why it hurts:
This confuses emotional suppression with resilience.
Toughness without recovery is how burnout turns into depression.
7. “Maybe this job just isn’t for you.”
Why it hurts:
This attacks identity at the moment it’s most fragile.
Many neurodivergent people already question whether they belong.
This confirms their worst fear.
⚠️ High-risk phrases that sound supportive—but aren’t
“Just stay positive.”
“It could be worse.”
“Don’t overthink it.”
“You’re reading too much into this.”
“You’ve handled worse.”
These phrases minimize internal experience and increase isolation.
What to say instead (simple, steady, human)
You don’t need perfect words.
You need containment.
Try:
“I’m glad you told me.”
“I don’t need you to explain it perfectly.”
“What’s been costing you the most energy lately?”
“Do you need rest, relief, or space right now?”
“We can figure next steps together.”
Silence—used well—is often more supportive than advice.
For leaders: recognize this pattern
Neurodivergent burnout and depression often show up as:
Withdrawal without complaint
Increased irritability
Loss of curiosity or initiative
Hyper-competence followed by collapse
Quiet disengagement—not insubordination
Punishing these signals doesn’t build accountability.
It builds exits.
A Reflective Responder leadership principle
Accountability doesn’t require cruelty.
Support doesn’t require lowering standards.
But timing matters—and so does tone.
You can hold the line without breaking people.
If you’re unsure what someone needs
Say that.
“I don’t want to make this worse. Help me understand what would actually help right now.”
That sentence alone restores trust.
Final reflection for leaders
Burnout asks for boundaries.
Depression asks for reconnection.
Neither responds to pressure.
If someone goes quiet after you speak, that’s information.
If they stop coming to you altogether, that’s a warning.
Leadership isn’t about having the right answers.
It’s about not becoming another reason someone stops asking for help.
